A ranking based on the content of their scientific character, not their mythological namesakes.
Neptune
Listen, I like Neptune as much as the next person but all Neptune really has going for him is that he has a band of minor planets hanging around called “Neptune trojans” so you can rest assure that he's always safe. Neptune is the kind of guy who complains about constantly being in the “friendzone” which almost makes him not make the list at all.
Pro: STD free
Con: Uses the term “friendzone”
en.wikipedia.org
Pluto
Yes, I know she's no longer a planet but she deserves a place on this list because she deceived us for so long. Basically, she gave us a twist at the end of the romantic novel that was our 90's science classes and I respect her for that. Also she stays AWAY from Neptune which just shows good sense.
Pro: Mysterious
Con: Not actually a planet
en.wikipedia.org
Uranus
Uranus is just too obvious of a choice to put any higher up in this list. Yes, he's always on his side, asking for sex, but he has an extremely cold core and emits very little heat. Just not hot enough.
Pro: Name is Uranus.
Con: Name is Uranus.
upload.wikimedia.org
Mars
Mars is a great guy, he's usually there in the sky when you want to say hey but he's made up of carbon dioxide and that's just not so cool. Plus, his red appearance is deceiving: it's NOT because he's red-hot but just full of iron. Like, cool, I can get that from some broccoli. Not even the curve of this planet's valleys can redeem that.
Pro: Real nice guy.
Con: Too reliant on his iron content to attract people.
upload.wikimedia.org
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